One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
