do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
