My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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