And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i already hear my dad disowning me
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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