this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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