woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
