i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
