One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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