there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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