I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
