I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
