I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
