update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
