he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
