Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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