getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
