these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
