i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
