im six kinds of drunk right now
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize