I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
