She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
