Where did you get a picture of my penis
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
