My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
