Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
