i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
where are you?
Hypothermia
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
