haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
