he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
