We won't sleep together?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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