I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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