Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
