proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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