I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
