Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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