I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
