I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
