If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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