I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
sarcasm needs its own font
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
