If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
