At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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