Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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