im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
