Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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