dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
