I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
