apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
