why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
