if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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