You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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