Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
