He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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