I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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