Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
