$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
