My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
