Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
