No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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