I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
