Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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