Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
